Stop Criticism, Enrich Yourself with Love

Stop Criticism, Enrich Yourself with Love

Source: Sunflower Children  Author: Sunflower Children  Editor: Wuxiu  Date: April 4, 2023

 

Parents are the source of strength for their children. Only when parents adjust their mental state can they engage wholeheartedly and with clear goals in the fight against illness alongside their children!  

"Sunflower Children" continues to share a psychological healing gift from authors Tang Jing and Kong Lingxue for parents of children with tumors – "You Are a Miracle: Psychological Recovery Methods to Overcome Tumors."  

This week, let's learn about day 22's content together.

 

Embarking on a Journey of Self-Love

 

Stop the Inner Critic

 

"Oh no, I was lazy again today, woke up so late. I deserve this traffic jam; let’s see if I can blame it on sleeping in next time!"

 

"Darn it, I forgot again..."

 

"It's already noon, and I still have so much to do. I'm falling behind again. Sigh, my procrastination is acting up."

 

"I'm earning so little, my health isn't great. You won't find a better boyfriend than this; you might as well settle for him."

 

"As a broke loser, being single is your fate."

 

...

 

Do these self-deprecating remarks sound familiar? Have you ever said such things to yourself? How did you feel afterward? It probably didn't feel good.

 

A friend described how her day begins with self-criticism. Every morning when the alarm goes off, she feels irritated, knowing that another miserable day is about to start. Frustration and sadness wash over her, and her mood plummets, leaving her with no energy to get out of bed.

 

By the time the alarm rings for the third time, and she realizes she’ll be late if she doesn’t get up, she rushes out of bed. She hurriedly washes up while urging herself to "hurry up" and complaining, "I woke up late again; the traffic will surely be awful."

 

She picks up some snacks from downstairs and jumps into her car, weaving through traffic to make it to work just in time to clock in. Once seated, she begins her self-criticism again, "What a pathetic sight, this is just embarrassing..."

 

Denial, criticism, sarcasm; she feels inadequate, unworthy, unlovable... Each wave of judgment is an attack on her inner self, akin to punching a heart already anxious and fearful.

 

With every punch, she gets hurt, feels weaker, and consumes her energy until she starts believing in herself less and less.

 

To embark on a journey of self-love, the first step is to stop the excessive self-criticism, halt the self-harm, and reduce inner consumption.

 

Stopping the inner critic requires awareness of habitual thought patterns and catchphrases. Combining previous exercises on habitual thinking and core beliefs, one can clear out low self-evaluations and view oneself reasonably.

 

To cease self-attack, one must also recognize personal needs.

 

If you don’t want to get out of bed, are you simply too tired? Did you stay up too late the night before? If you lack sleep, can you go to bed earlier to meet your body's needs?

 

Stopping self-criticism also requires viewing situations from a different perspective.

 

If you woke up late, can you accept this reality and experience the rush-hour traffic? Or can you accept the consequences of waking up late and allow yourself the occasional tardiness?

 

"Oh, I forgot again... Looks like I need to set a reminder next time."

 

"It's already noon, and I still have several tasks left to complete. I must make the most of the afternoon."

 

"Given the current situation, he is the best option for me."

 

"Since I'm single right now, I might as well enjoy the freedom and happiness that comes with it."

 

Enrich Yourself with Love

 

Stopping self-attack means reducing self-consumption. If you can also take actions that nourish your inner self, then that’s even better.

 

Many personal growth courses tell us to learn to love ourselves and treat ourselves well. But what does it mean to truly love oneself? Is it buying beautiful clothes, expensive bags, or avoiding suffering and hard work?

 

Not necessarily. To love yourself truly means to understand your inner needs and cater to them, which is the essence of self-love.

 

What are your true inner needs? It’s about the essence, not just what appears on the surface.

 

For example, why do you like beautiful clothes? Many girls might say that it’s simply a natural preference, but is there a deeper reason?

 

If you reflect carefully, do you buy beautiful clothes to show off and gain attention, or to make yourself happy and relaxed? If it's for attention, no amount of beautiful clothes will suffice, as you can never satisfy everyone's tastes.

 

If you want to feel happy and please yourself, it’s easier to achieve; you just need to wear what makes you happy.

 

Let’s think further about why we seek attention. What’s the motivation behind it? It’s about wearing beautiful, expensive designer clothes to gain respect, making others feel that we possess capital, and thus are worthy of attention and admiration.

 

So, this desire for respect and admiration is a true inner need.

 

Let’s engage in activities that earn us respect; it doesn’t necessarily have to be through wearing designer items. Having a positive and cheerful personality, being polite and gentle, showcasing talent and insight, being independent, and possessing strong personal charisma... all these traits can earn you respect and affection.

 

Generally speaking, the need to be loved, respected, understood, and accepted is a deeper need we all share. Thus, the way to love yourself can revolve around these needs.

 

How do we begin actions of self-love? You can look in the mirror and ask yourself: "If I were in a romantic relationship, how would I want my partner to treat me?" Write down your thoughts.

 

Everything you wish for your partner to do for you reflects what you need inside.

 

Do you want them to be patient with you, understand you, and spoil you?

 

Do you want them to take care of you when you’re sick?

 

Do you hope they will give you flowers and gifts during holidays?

 

Do you wish for them to inspire, motivate, and assist you?

 

Start doing those things you desire from your partner for yourself. Don’t wait. Don’t put yourself in a pitiful position waiting for them to love you. Moreover, the reality is that even if they do come along, they may not fulfill your needs or love you in the way you expect.

 

Because the one who understands you best is yourself.

 

So, can you start being patient with yourself, stop blaming yourself, understand your struggles, and pamper yourself? When it’s cold, put on more clothes; when you're hungry, eat on time; when you're thirsty, buy a bottle of your favorite drink?

 

Can you treat yourself kindly when you’re sick, spend time resting, and allow your body and mind to recuperate? Can you adjust your routine to reduce the likelihood of getting sick?

 

Can you regularly buy yourself flowers, gifts, clothes, cosmetics, or even a new phone that you love?

 

Can you uplift yourself during low moods, find joy, and look forward to a brighter tomorrow?

 

In simple terms, loving yourself means being a good friend and partner to yourself, pampering yourself, doing things that make you happy and fulfilled; it means stopping self-criticism, forgiving yourself quickly for mistakes, and avoiding sinking into anxiety and panic, while seeking solutions instead.

 

Many friends have doubts: doesn’t loving oneself mean no longer pushing oneself, not forcing oneself to do things that require effort and persistence? Wouldn't that lead to slacking off?

 

For instance, if working out is tiring, then loving oneself means not doing it; if challenging oneself to improve in their career is risky, then loving oneself means avoiding the challenge.

 

Here lies a misunderstanding. Loving yourself does not mean satisfying the lazy, escapist side of you. Instead, it’s about experiencing, feeling, enriching your life experiences, fulfilling your self-worth, and achieving a sense of internal accomplishment that leads to self-actualization.

 

Loving oneself is certainly not about being complacent or indulging in hedonism like a child, only caring for the lazy part of your heart. Occasionally treating yourself like a child is fine, but doing so for an extended period will lead to much anxiety, as we live in a real world that requires interaction with our surroundings.

 

When you are "not striving," if you find joy in it, that's self-love; if you feel panic or anxiety during or after the process, and start criticizing your laziness and comfort, that’s not loving yourself, but merely escaping temporarily.

 

For example, after buying designer clothes, if you feel happy but are then anxious about repaying your credit card bill next month, that’s not a good way to love yourself. A good way to love yourself is to buy something you truly like and can afford at the moment, enjoying the relationship you build with that item.

 

Loving yourself means following your inner desires, not suppressing or belittling yourself, treating your body kindly, nurturing your spirit, and believing in your abilities. Trust that what you do is worthwhile, and that through effort, you can achieve better development, enjoy wealth and freedom, and create a prosperous life.

 

Exercises

 

1. Identify your common ways of self-judgment and criticism, and stop these inner voices.

 

   For example:

   - "I'm so stupid/I can't do this."

   - "Sigh, I messed up again."

   - "I feel so anxious; I don’t know if they like me. This waiting for a verdict feels terrible."

 

2. Find ten activities that can make you happy and relaxed without causing anxiety afterward.

 

   For example:

   - "Make myself a big meal; it feels very satisfying."

   - "During my break, light some incense, brew a pot of tea, and listen to music; it feels very relaxing."

   - "After working out or during a trip, I always feel wonderful."

 

Image | Internet  

Layout | A Meter of Sunshine